Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
