You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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