wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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