Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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