The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
