***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
