A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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