On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
