the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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