I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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