If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
