This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
