Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
