She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
