I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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