What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
