I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
