so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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