There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
