That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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