So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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