I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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