so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
