I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
