i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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