Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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