Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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