theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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