i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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