soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
