sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
