She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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