Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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