I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
