I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
