Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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