Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
