Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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