My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
