i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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