I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
