Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
