I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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