You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
