I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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