eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
