my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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