Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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