you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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