Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Farmville is her only friend.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
